“Wake up sweetie…… it’s a boy!!!”….dad said as he woke me up . “Yeah rrrrite….. stop it dad…. ”… I snapped as I woke up and started getting out of my bed……. Could that be true…….. ????? wow…….. finally…time to face it…….. boy it is… or is it???? “So??.. how does it feel??? You look confused…or worried?”….Dad smiled…Felt as if he read my mind……… “Uh…. I dunno dad….. why are you joking like this? This is not the time!!!” I replied looking down….. still not ready to believe what I had just heard.

I’d had a tough time battling with the scary yet exciting thoughts of this day….. since the past nine months.

I was the ‘baby of the house’. As the youngest kid I had enjoyed all the benefits of being the ‘protected’ one with almost everyone in the family ‘at-my-service’ including my elder sister. Of corse.. this had its own dis-advantages … but I was way too far from them as I learnt to have my way through every situation, my sister being my biggest strength and me being her biggest weakness!!

I was considered my sister’s shadow …tagging along with her… Wherever she went …..her dupatta tightly caught in my hand…. … may it be to the movies with friends… or out shopping… or just freaking out having fun!! I remember having the most wonderful, funny, happy (laughing away to glory….cracking jokes ….which most of the times others took pains to understand ….but only Deez and I could) and even tear-filled times (when we pulled each others hair, wrestled and quarreled like savages leaving my mom in a helplessly miserable state) with her!!! We both were inseparable…. And I had nothing to worry with her by my side always!!

Things did start changing when she got married.. with less scope for me to accompany her everywhere..…now that she had her special person to share her life with. But that didn’t seem to change anything as I still remained her ‘lil one’ and I was all the more happy to have another member in the family to ‘pamper’ me. I felt like a princess when my new-found jeeju tried to impress me with his protective brotherly acts. But the snob that I was I really gave him a tough time before allowing him to make a place in our hearts as well as our family!!

“Kshit….. did you get the news? We are going to have a new lil member in the family. You will be an aunt soon!!”

AUNT????????????????????????????????? Deez is gonna have a KID?????

uh….ok…… ‘m I supposed to be happy or sad on this???!!! Apart from the awkward feeling that I had to accept my lil Deez playing a MUM’s role….. my deepest of insecurities was gonna come true. I WOULD NOT BE HER LIL ONE ANYMORE!!!!

But why am I feeling sad? I’m gonna be an aunt after all. This should be a happy moment!!

I felt a pang of guilt every time I tried to cover my growing insecurity with a reluctant smile…. All the time wondering…. Will I not be the lil one anymore??? Will they stop loving me.. and divert all the attention to the new baby of the house?

Looking at my Deez… all set to have her new lil one I had already started feeling neglected … Jealousy crept in everytime she called me to discuss her plans for her ‘baby’!!! “Whom would you prefer?? Girl or a boy?”….. GAL??????????? No way….. they are too pricey(just like me??.........mebbe!!)…… well…. BOY???? Ohhhhhhh nooo…….. that would be like an altogether different specie!!They are..SAVAGES… it would be too taxing gathering the remains of the destruction that he would leave behind!!……Gosh….. I wanted NEITHER…. I wanted to share MY SPACE with nobody!!!!

But amidst all the fears there was an exuberant anticipation that I myself had from within but failed to acknowledge. I had unknowingly developed a longing for someone I had not even seen. I found myself eagerly counting days for the baby to come…. Ummm…. It should be a gal…… they are cuter … and I can dress her up… and take care of her… she would be my own lil thing…..I would secretly wish…but refuse to accept…… I wanted the baby more than anyone else ….. But every time I caught myself lost in these thoughts it reminded me of the ‘bitter’ truth that I would have to face…. Of being neglected…. Thrown away…… like unwanted furniture!!

I wondered what it would be like to face the moment when my fears would actually turn true….. it was a strange – scary yet pleasant – feeling  I could never understand!!

As the (most awaited??) moment seemed nearer my want for a lil baby girl became stronger.. but so did my growing insecurity of losing MY PLACE in my house….!! It was a bittersweet feeling I did not know how to describe….. I enjoyed the wait…..but dreaded the moment!! “Mom…… I will still be your special gal..right?”…”Deez …. Will you get time for me now?”……… I felt like asking…!!

“Where’s Deez?” I inquired one evening as I returned home from my math classes. “It’s time…. She’s admitted?” ..my grandma said…..WHAT?????????????????? IT’S TIME?????????????????????????? I didn’t know how to react…. I was worried for my sis……. Excited about the baby at the same time……… BUT DEAD SCARED TO FACE IT. I couldn’t sleep the whole night thinking about Deez in hospital and how the next day was gonna change our lives forever!!!

"Where are you lost???" Dad asked holding me by my shoulders. He waited for me to answer but then could not hold on to the excitement anymore.... … he looked into my eyes and said…….. “It’s a girl…… you are aunt of a BABY GIRL”……  A GAL!!!!!!!!!!!! My secret wish came true……………..but did I feel happy or sad?????????????????????? It felt numb…… I kept staring back at him as he jerked my shoulders….. I shrugged away and started running…… I ran from my house all the way to the hospital.. not bothering about the strange glances I got on my way…..… …. I had forgotten who I was… I had forgotten Deez..mom..dad….I had forgotten about the world around….. nothing else mattered ……..all I cared for was MY LIL ONE…… I reached the hospital and….. there it was….. a well rounded face with big black eyes and long eye-lashes staring at me. I was spellbound by the innocence in it's gaze.…… and as I took her in my arms…… she smiled……… IT WAS ECSTATIC….. AN ANGEL WAS SMILING AT ME….. and all my fears vanished in thin air….. my insecurities had gone. With a bundle of joy in my arms…. I had found MY SPECIAL ONE. It was a joy.. I’d never dreamt of!! I was a proud aunt of a cute lil gal….. !! Suddenly I realized where I was....I saw my Deez and my mom looking at me and smiling………. Goshhhhhhhhhhhhh ………….. HAD I ALREADY FACED THE MOMENT????? I dreaded THIS????????? Unknowingly..... I had transitioned away from being the lil one….giving way to the new sunshine of our lives………….……AND...... IT FELT BEAUTIFUL....She surely would be MY WEAKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!